


Veins filled with ice

by Aknolan



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Goes into the thought-process of the doctor as she's feeling the intense anger, Mild Self Harm, The Oncoming Storm, a lot of it, also very bad at dealing with that anger, as in hitting things you should not hit and nails digging into skin, but it ends well, the doctor is very angry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-22 03:11:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16589735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aknolan/pseuds/Aknolan
Summary: The doctor loses control over her anger, and deals with the aftermath.





	Veins filled with ice

She walked forward at a steady pace, it felt as if the temperature had dropped ten degrees, but she knew that wasn't the cause of the cold she felt inside. She looked at her target and didn't look away, not even when in her peripheral vision she saw guards running towards her.

They didn't reach her.

She walked, her target cowered. Good.

Vaguely, she heard her companions calling for her, she didn't care. She walked.

She reached her target, it looked at her and spoke. "I-... I demand to know who you are!"

Everything was cold, and she didn't smile as she spoke, she was glad the creature had asked, she was glad it would understand how scared it should be, but everything was cold. "I am the doctor, usually, but to you I am the oncoming storm." Her target's eyes widened. Good.

"You will listen closely, and you will do as I say." She didn't give the creature in front of her time to agree, she simply spoke. It was cold, and she spoke, and when she was done she warned the creature she would be watching, and she turned around, and she walked, towards a new target. She didn't say a word on the way back to the tardis, she just walked, and her companions followed.

She opened the door to the tardis, letting the others go in first, everything was cold, but she knew that as soon as she stepped inside the tardis, she would lose control. She took a deep breath, stepped into the tardis, closed the door behind her.

She walked past her companions, to the console, already feeling the cold seep away, replaced by something else, something worse. By the time she got to the console she was shaking, trying to keep in a scream, trying to stop herself from destroying anything. Her mind was being torn apart by the effort it took to stand there and do nothing. She hit the console with her fist, hurting herself in the process. She didn't care, she had to do something, she had to scream and shout and she had to destroy something because this anger was overwhelming but instead she just stood there, hitting the console that was much tougher than her hand. The silence wasn't helping either, her companions were just standing there, staring. She didn't want to look up, she didn't want to see the look on their faces.

It took everything she had to speak with a neutral tone. "Go."

Her companions didn't move, they didn't react, they just stood there some more. She turned around to look at them, cursing that she had to, knowing that the look in her eyes would scare them, knowing that they were probably already scared anyways. "I want to be alone right now, so go." Her voice was strained, her hands were balled into fists, knuckles white and nails digging into her skin. Her companions looked at eachother, and Yaz started speaking. "Doctor-" "Just go!" She didn't mean to shout or glare at Yaz, but she did, and Yaz left, Graham and Ryan followed her.

And finally she was alone.

And the last bit of control she had was gone.

She found herself on the ground, pulling at her hair, frantically scratching everywhere, needing somewhere for the anger to go, and only movement to put it in. When she thought her companions would be far enough away, she screamed, she screamed and ran and hit the walls with her fists and pulled at her hair and scratched scratched scratched until she ran out of anger, and all that was left was tears. She sank to her knees, the anger that had been clawing at her brain telling her to do something was gone, and rather than having to find some place for franting energy to go, she found herself sobbing, feeling like she couldn't move, like she couldn't even breathe. She didn't know how much time had passed when even that ran out, she didn't know how much time had passed when Yaz found her, laying on the floor, staring at the roof of the tardis, unable to do anything. She didn't know how to look at Yaz, Yaz who had every right to be afraid of her, to leave, to even be angry. Yaz who spoke softly, even as the doctor turned away, Yaz who asked how she was feeling, even after the doctor had yelled at her.

She rolled away from Yaz, not sure if she wanted Yaz to leave or to stay. Yaz got up and left, and the doctor figured that would be the end of it. She would only see Yaz, Ryan and Graham once more, when they would ask her to send them back home.

But she was wrong. Yaz came back with tea and biscuits, and she set it all down on the ground next to where she sat, as the doctor faced away from her again. She spoke softly. "Ryan and Graham are going to prepare some food, if they can figure out the tardis anyways, they'll probably be busy with that for a while, but until then I have tea and biscuits, do you want any?" The doctor didn't make a sound, just held out a hand. "Alright, I'm guessing that's for biscuits, here you go." Yaz handed the doctor a biscuit, who took a bite out of it and then simply held it there, as if the cold had finally caught up to her and frozen her in that position.

"Doctor, I need you to turn around and sit." As much as she didn't want to move, she did what Yaz asked of her, though she kept her head down, staring at the biscuit she still held. "Doctor, please, look at me." Yaz still spoke softly, not a hint of fear in her, but the doctor still didn't want to look up, still didn't want to see the fear that would inevitably be there.

She felt a hand on her shoulder, and without thinking about it, looked up, shocked that Yaz would still dare to touch her, she saw Yaz's face, and was shocked again, not seeing any fear. "You-" Her voice failed her and she cleared her throat. "You're not scared?" Yaz's hand left her shoulder and she saw a small smile.  
"Doctor, I am a police officer on parking duty, I have to deal with angry people every single day and those don't even have a sensible reason."  
"But-... You saw what I did, and- and I yelled at you, and now you're just sitting here with tea and biscuits?"  
Yaz looked down for a moment and the doctor was sure this was the moment she'd been expecting all along, but then Yaz looked up, looked her in the eyes, and there still wasn't any fear, only determination. "Doctor, will you do anything like that again?"  
She wanted to tell Yaz she wouldn't, she wanted to tell her that and have it be the truth, but she couldn't. "I don't want to." She couldn't look at Yaz's face with the next words, being certain that even though she had been wrong several times already, this was really it, this was really the time Yaz would give up. With the words she almost whispered as she stared at her hands. "I can't control my anger. I didn't want to do that, but I did, and I will do it again. It's only a matter of time." Her knuckles turned white again, nails digging into her skin again, tears threatening to spill again. Thoughts started to swirl around again, her anger was coming back and the urge to scream and to break something returned, as it always did, only a matter of time, and she had a lot of time. This time she had cups to break, but she limited herself to the biscuit she was now crushing.

Her tiny destruction was interrupted when Yaz spoke again. "You know, to become a better police officer I've done a lot of reading, some of it on human psychology, I don't know a lot and it is about humans where you're an alien, but at least for humans it seems having people around to help makes these types of things easier. I don't know much, but I can try to help, and I'm sure Ryan and Graham would too."  
The doctor looked at Yaz, still seeing her so positive about this entire situation that it almost hurt. "Yaz, I'm sorry but when I get like that there is no reasoning with me."  
"I'm pretty sure the goal was to never get like that, so that shouldn't be a problem."  
She saw a small smile growing on Yaz's face, undeterred by her protests, of which she was about to make more. "I don't think that's possible."  
Still Yaz only seemed to grow more hopeful. "You don't think so, but you're not certain. Besides," Yaz paused to grab one of the doctor's hands, which were now only loosely curled. "to me this looks like proof that we've got a chance, so why not try?"  
"Because! You could get hurt!"  
"I've already accepted that risk by being here, haven't I?"  
"Not exactly, you accepted the risk that I wouldn't always be able to protect you. Not that-..." Again she felt cold, but this wasn't the cold of anger, this was the cold of fear. This was the one that froze you up immediately, made you powerless. Barely able to speak. Barely able to whisper. "Not that I might hurt you."  
She felt Yaz's hand leaving hers, the one bit of warmth she still had leaving with it. She took a deep breath, looking at Yaz, who seemed to finally have ran out of optimism. Seemed, since she spoke again, after a long, nerve-wracking pause, carefully choosing her words. "I can only speak for myself, and I can't say I'll always accept that risk, but if you're willing to accept my help, I can take that risk." She finished with a shaky breath, smiling at the doctor. For the first time during this conversation, the doctor thought Yaz might be afraid.

Yaz had accepted the situation, Yaz was ready to look at this all with an optimistic view, but the doctor sat frozen. Yaz was willing to accept the risk, but the doctor's veins filled with ice at the idea of hurting her. And yet, the smile was contagious, Yaz's hope was contagious, the doctor couldn't help but hope, just a little, that Yaz was right. And a tiny spark of hope, was all she ever needed. Today was no different.

She smiled. "Alright, let's try this! Where do we start?"  
Yaz practically beamed at her as she cleaned up the tea and biscuits that had been long forgotten and stood up. "Well, I was thinking you could start with some apologies and saving Ryan and Graham who are probably still trying to find the kitchen."  
"Right! Apologies!" She got up and, not entirely certain what human apologies usually included, decided to go for a hug. "I am so sorry Yaz, there are so many things that went wrong today and most of it was my fault, I shouldn't have yelled at you." She let go of Yaz, who was still smiling.  
"I forgive you. That's one out of three, so let's go find the rest and also bring these cups back to the kitchen. Such a shame the tea went cold too."  
The doctor took one of the cups and started drinking anyways, ignoring the way Yaz raised her eyebrows. "Alright, I'm hydrated now, let's go. By the way didn't you say Ryan and Graham were looking for the kitchen? How come you got the tea from the kitchen while they still had to find it?"  
Yaz shrugged. "After I split up from them I just saw an open door and there it was, everything was already done, just had to grab it."  
"Oooh, the tardis must really like you! good sign, that. Also very helpful, not even I can get anywhere in the tardis if she doesn't want me to."  
Another shrug. "Maybe she just thought you might like the tea and figured you wouldn't get it yourself."  
"I suppose, well, either way, thank you Yaz."  
"Anytime, doctor."


End file.
